Okay or maybe I am… a lot. Okay so I might be crying right now. I know class day isn’t until Friday, but my nerves are kicking in and so is my tendency to be an emotional basket case. Senior year is over? You mean its not still August and I’m not wearing my pink dress on the first day praying that I get a front row parking spot? I feel like it all happened over night. I remember wishing that it would hurry up and end, and in a way I am still ready for it to be over. Senior Year has had its up and downs and really and truly at some points I didn’t think May would ever get here. But here we are 2 days away from class day and 8 days away from the day I graduate. Man that tastes bittersweet, doesn’t it? 

I think its going to be great to be a high school graduate. I can FINALLY get away from all of the bad memories and start over and be anyone I want to be. But it’s going to be hard to leave the good memories behind. Nothing is going to be the same once we walk out of those doors on Wednesday of next week. We’ll never actually walk back through them as a student. Never again will we walk down the hallway swapping classes and getting books. Its crazy isn’t it? The cliques will break up and the crushes will fade. Nobody will care to remember who the captain of the cheer squad was or who dated who. I’m relieved, but I’m sad.

Its bittersweet. VERY bittersweet. I look at my cap and gown and think about how it feels like just yesterday I was a freshman thinking I’d never get out. I think about the days I cried over boys and stupid drama and wished that I could just walk out and never come back. Well here I am about to walk out of those doors for the last time and pretty much never come back. I’d give anything to relive just a few friday nights or maybe my senior night football game. I’ve heard people say again and again how I’ll miss it. I’d roll my eyes and disagree with them. But then I come home and see my pom poms in a storage box in my closet and I agree with them. I AM going to miss high school. I AM going to miss everything I said I wouldn’t. I’m going to miss seeing my friends everyday. I’m going to miss getting getting food from the teachers lounge and one day I’ll probably miss the days when I had to change the way I walked to class just to avoid a certain boy. I’ll miss going into advisory with big eyes and saying to Loran “I have SO much to tell you.” 13 years I’ve spent at West Limestone High School. 13 years filled with ups and downs and crying in closets and being scared of talking in front of the class. 13 years filled with football games, drama filled school dances, crushes, unsuccessful relationships, and just some really great memories. 

So, as I’m throwing my cap and turning my tassel Im probably going to squall my eyes out. Saying goodbye isn’t my specialty and this next week I’m going to be saying goodbye to a lot of things and a lot of people. 

After something not so great happens in our lives aren’t we supposed to feel bad? Aren’t we supposed to want to change things? Maybe cry? or even apologize to the person involved? There are supposed to be some bad days and some days where you just want things back the way they used to be. Thats usually how it is, right?

I had a bad night. Didn’t sleep at all, listened to some weird music, and woke up this morning feeling like crap. I didn’t care what I looked like when I went to school, and I used the smallest excuse on the planet to go home. I was having a bad day until I got home. When I opened my front door something inside of me felt better. Better than I have in quite a while actually. Its as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Yeah, somebody betrayed me.. somebody told lies about me and somebody embarrassed me. Somebody called me some terrible names and ruined my night. Those somebodys are different people.. so yeah, you could say I lost a lot of respect for a few people in a few short hours. I should still be upset.. I should cry and I should want to change things. Funny thing is I don’t want to change a thing. What happened yesterday happened for a reason and it has honestly made me feel better. At first it was terrible.. but its not terrible for me anymore. It is terrible for the person who just shut me out of their life, and for the person who started rumors about me, and terrible for the person who had the nerve to call me some horrible names. But they can live with that negativity now, I don’t want it anymore. 

I realized a lot last night and today. I realized who I need in my life and I realized that Im going to be a whole lot happier without the ones who shut me out. Theres no use in holding on to things that only make you miserable. 

Boy am I at a crossroads right now. I’m pretty sure its actually a railroad track and there’s a possibility that at any second I’m going to get plowed down by a train. I’m standing here wondering which way to go. Which way is the right way, and which way is going to turn out best. There are things that have been going on in my life for quite a while now. This one thing in particular has been good at times, and terrible at times. And even through the terrible times I’ve enjoyed every second of it. As mad as I’ve gotten, and as many times as I’ve almost given up, I still haven’t. And even as I’m watching it end, I still can’t make myself give up just yet. I’m still here because something is telling me to wait just a bit longer. 

But even with that thought in my head, theres a part of me saying that it’s gone on too long and that I just need to give up. That I screwed things up so badly that there’s no fixing it. I’m not sure if its fixable at all, and I’m not sure if its worth trying to fix. It’s been one of the most stressful times in my life, but also one of the most invigorating. I’ve jumped way out of my comfort zone and even as one part of me says I’m not supposed to change, the other part of me says that I’m finally figuring it out. 

So as I stand here at this crossroad contemplating which way to turn, I’m terrified. Because I have way too much invested in this to just give up. Its almost like I just need to yell that I’m still here…